I Begin Anew

I'm coming up for air from this pool of resentment,
Resigning myself from an upset past.
Slicing away these remnants of pettiness,
I'm peeling away the dead skin of the past year.
I begin anew,
Not with a clean slate,
But with a repertoire of lessons learned.
I begin anew,
Not completely different,
But not totally the same.
I begin anew.



© Jadie Nimenzo, 2013. All rights reserved.

Who Likes Being at Their Worst?

There’s something not quite right about “If you can’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Taken into this context, to me it sounds like a flimsy and ridiculous excuse when we've been atrocious to someone – a lover, a friend, family. Subscribing to this particular paradigm apparently leave us entitled to be cruel and generally shitty to people, especially people you care about and share the same sentiment towards you. It’s almost like a get out jail free card.

There is also a tinge of selfishness. I can’t imagine taking meanness from anyone in stride just as I don’t expect anyone to take crap from me. We cannot assume that people will understand why we are (to them) inexplicably sad or angry or negative. It’s not how relationships work. Everything connects and ripples. We have to remember that it is never only about us and our immediate world.

Another thing: (over)acting the victim and victimizing other people because of it. Imagine the worst thing we are capable of. Would we want to be at the end of that?

Granted any circumstance, there is no reason to be colossal asshat for an extended period of time. I mean, what if our worst is just such a piece of work? We can’t expect people to stick around for that. Sometimes we have to own up to our actions and deal with what it leads us to.

Think about it: our worst can trump our best. It wouldn't matter what else we did, how much we apologized. We can’t rewind time and we end up living with the consequences.

Maybe we should try being our best even at our worst. I’m not sure how that will work out but really… who likes to be at their worst? I know I don’t. 

Name Days and a Wasted Holiday

9.13 AM

It supposed to be a holiday today. No work. Supposedly. I had to bid my free day adieu and grudgingly prepared myself for work just four hours earlier. Yes, I did take my time. Yes, that is indicative of how much I do not want to go to work today.

Of course, there is a legitimate reason for this mandate of our beloved company: it's event season and we've got three happening simultaneously this week.

Do I understand that reasoning? Yes.

Am I gonna be a dick and still want my holiday? Yes.

Am I still gonna try to work at my fullest capacity when I get to work today? Yes, and hopefully I'll get it all done early so I can bug out of there by 3 PM. I've got my bestie's birthday to get to.


1.49 PM

She had developed a nature of abruptness. Or perhaps she had it all along; I was just none the wiser. At times, talking to her makes me feel like I've offended her version of ethical sensibilities. And I may have -- once, long ago, and I've tried to make it up to her, really.

But one gets tired of trying to get into another's good graces and I thought, 'Does it really matter?' I decided that I had done enough penance. What else can I do if they can't get over the whole thing? I don't think it makes my apology any less honest. Some people just can get past anything to see the honesty.


4.51 PM

I just snuck out from work.

It's not as if I can't leave at any time I want today; it is considered an overtime work day. It's just people tend to frown upon you leaving early when they have to stay behind and finish whatever work they have to do. Apparently, tendering overtime even when you don't have to is a way to show solidarity.

My rule: If I finished my work early, I get to leave early.

The rest of them can suck it up.


12.53 AM

The bestie's birthday party was epically hilarious.

We were a group of people, virtually strangers, connected through one person and we were all sitting and conversing with ease, an outsider would've sworn we all knew each other for years.

I enjoyed that seamlessness. I wished it could always be that way with new people I meet. But, alas, I'm much to introverted with strangers. I love those rare special cases though. It gives me hope in my capacity to connect.

To the bestie, Happy Birthday! My fondest thoughts to you always. 10 years of friendship, good and bad faced with a bond stronger than ever. Here's to another decade more and beyond.

Walang umayan.

Clusterfucks and Fuckers

Tuesday, 08 October 2013

7.53 am

The morning started early enough that I feel confident that I won't be late. Of course, that is entirely at the mercy of unpredictable traffic. Some days it feels like the world is making way for you. Then, there are days that make you question getting up that morning in the first place. In those days you find yourself on the van's worst seat possible. Your seated next to some schmuck who likes to spread himself out in an incredibly cramp place and the driver is a disrespectful twat who likes to swerve and drive like a maniac. Those days you're sure the driver is trying to kill his passengers.

I guess it's pretty obvious that commute to work isn't something I enjoy. Can you blame me though? It's mostly fearing for your life and invasion of personal space.

Today, however, is a better day. Nice seat, considerate stranger for a seatmate, and so far the driver seems okay. Traffic seems amicable, too.

Should I take this as a sign that it's gonna be a good day?

Nah. Experience has told me that's not always the case.

Unless this is the day that I get to meet his sexiness Tom Hiddleston, the jury is still out.

So far commute is going relatively smooth. I might hazard to say that I may get to work by 8.30 am, friendly road forecast permitting.

9.12 am

One of the main issues I have with work is people overstepping their bounds. It seriously rubs me the wrong way, even if you tell me that it was done with the best of intentions.

With full vehemence I say fuck that noise or I will find a way to fuck up your shit.

I have my responsibilities and I try my damnest to make sure I keep up with them. Even if the workplace is an absolute clusterfuck right now, I always give my best at what I do; I've tried doing subpar work and it just wasn't in me.

To the meddling punk ass bitch at work:

Don't make me feel like I'm not doing a good enough job by trying to take over work I'm responsible for. You don't see me in an arms race and gunning for your job. Sit your ass down and mind your own business. You are the very last thing I need to be dealing with.

1.57 pm

A friend from work and I decided to head out of the office for lunch. We were due for a change of scenery, even if for just an hour and a half.

Conversation consisted mostly of the woes of work. We both had ideas of how things could change for the better. We discussed worries and ideals that we're sure most people at work would agree on -- silently or otherwise.

Call it ranting, but we were due for that as well.

It is clear that change is needed but how do I spark it when I have no means? It's easy enough to dream of having things my way. Just the same, the whole situation isn't just about me. There's a bigger picture to consider; one that affects all the lives connected to it.

So I resign myself to focusing on what I can control: my responsibilities and doing right by my work.

6.30 pm

More conversations followed for the rest of the afternoon. Work, people at work, insufferable people at work. It wasn't the work itself that erodes patience, kindness, and consideration. It was people spreading toxicity.

Blame it on the stress if you must but rudeness is inexcusable. Take it this way: if being disrespectful is frowned upon on children who, generally, are still grasping the concepts of propriety, what more with grown, fully functioning adults?

Making an example from what happened just before I left work: if a colleague humanely asks for you and your group to tone down your voices, it would be a kindness for you to consider the request and deliver. To answer derisively is criminal on my book. I don't think quietness is such an incredible mole hill to climb.

Perhaps people need to go trekking up the heights of their massive egos to get over themselves.

Today's moral: Don't be a cunt. No matter how bad your day is.

Music, Sentiment, and Attachment

On the way home from work today, I was listening to Florence + The Machine’s Over the Love. The song is four and a half minutes long and for those minutes, listening to Florence Welch sing about love separated by distance real and metaphorical, I was somewhere else.

The second the song began my thoughts ceased all together and the music just poured into my mind, like clean water to a parched throat. There was that jolt of electricity and I was taken away from that cramped van and teleported into a world where all that mattered was the beautiful blending of voice, melody, and emotion. Every sound that came out of my earphones just lifted me up and I transcended my being at that moment.

The song just took my breath away and my heart just wanted more. It had all the elements that make an epic song and I was just so content to stay in that world the music created for me and just as wished that it wouldn't the song had to end. 

The obligatory replay was done and the song still had the same effect. That’s when I knew I would get attached it. 

That’s what epically good music does to people – you get attached to it. It is not really a sense of ownership to the song but rather with sentiment and value. Good music is just able to evoke those kinds of feeling because often they reach a place in you that very few things are capable of. Its intangibility allows it to sneak into the crevices of your being and find that piece that it just fits into and it just makes sense.

It doesn't matter what you listen to, there are always songs that bring you somewhere else and you forget everything in those minutes where the song just flows from your player, to your ears, and to every part of you, and those moments are important. It’s a reprieve from the present and we all need that sometimes. Music is one of the things that help me cope when I'm sad, stressed, angry, or when I just want to get away from the world for a while. It's my remedy. 

DISCLAIMER: No copyright infringement intended. I take no ownership of the image, video, and music used in this blog post. Images, videos, and music found on the internet are considered for public use unless explicitly dictated otherwise.

Thoughts on Education and Career in My Life and Times of 23

The first thing I ever wanted to be was a scientist. When the concept of “what do you want to be when you grow up” was introduced to my young, impressionable mind I gravitated towards the field of science and, even if I’m not a scientist now at 23, the subject still sparks that interest and I often wonder how my life would've been if I had chosen that path in the many crossroads I had encountered in my past. But then again doesn't everybody wonder this exact same thing?

I wanted to be different things growing up; I think I did quite a few career changes in my youth and most of them were variations of that scientist dream. I wanted to be a biologist because the science of life seemed like this vast adventure that I would never get enough of. There was also a time I wanted to be what I called then a “snake scientist” and further research (through books because I had no concept of the internet then) gave me a name for the profession: Herpetologist. Perhaps the interest began when I watched the first Anaconda movie, but snakes just fascinated me. Suddenly I was pouring over books about snakes and for a while I was content to reply that I was going to be a snake scientist when asked what I now realize is quite a complicated question to ask a child.

Delving away from the recurring theme, I also wanted to become a teacher and at some point a librarian, reasoning that it would be an apt career for someone who loves books as much as I do.

The science theme made a comeback as high school rolled in. Sophomore year I wanted to became a zoologist. A broader field than herpetology and at that time I had developed a growing interest in animals and I just thought it would so amazing to work with these creatures, knowing more about them, and perhaps discovering new species as I progress in the career. But the whole scientist thing and all its variations were never realized because unbeknownst to me computers would take over my interests.

Everyone takes Computer class here in the Philippines; I don’t know how education systems work in other parts of the world but we have Computer class. In high school that meant basic programming languages and we had Visual Basic, HTML, CSS, and some others. I did really well in Computer class, so well that I became convinced (disillusioned) that I could rock it out as a job and that I would do so well. Demand for Information Technology graduates was very high as the industry was booming and I was told that the pay in that line of work was very substantial. Those reasons and much prodding from my mother I became set in taking up Information Technology for my degree. There I was, making what I now see as a misinformed choice because I was under the impression that I had a deadline in my decision-making and if I didn’t meet that deadline then things would fall apart.

High school is very crucial, I think, here in the Philippines where the culture really values education, especially higher education, and when I say education I mean attending an institution where you supposedly get said education and the more prestige this institution has, the better. If you don’t go to college or drop out of school, you will be identified as someone who will get nowhere in life, which I think is a ridiculous school of thought because college isn’t everything but more on that later.

High school is one of those crossroads I mentioned earlier. This is where you choose what you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life as far as career goes and there is a stigma if you don’t do so well in the face of this period in your life where decisions seemed like everything. If you are set and sure of the path you are going to take and you know that you will see it through the very end, that everything is crystal clear, then good for you and also lucky you. This is not the case for everyone. Most people have a harder time with this. Some people like me ended up with a choice that they regret but when picking between Road A and Road B it seemed like I had chosen the best path.

As you near the culmination of high school which starts at junior year through senior year, people (see: parents) put a lot of pressure on what degree you are going to complete and what university or college you’re going to be attending for the next four years. This is taken very seriously because, in my opinion, college is seen as the be all and end all of this chapter of your life. Succinctly put, you have to get into a college otherwise you will become a disappointment. That is the kind of pressure you have in this type of situation and this is the how high the pedestal is for college and higher education in general.

The choice was made and it was Information Technology. I was psyched about it. Knowing what I did then, I thought I was all set and I just had to get through the college and everything else will fall into place. It was comforting being so sure of the direction I was taking. I wanted that security, I didn’t want to be floundering about still trying to figure out things because there was that ominous deadline of when you should graduate college and that it was only acceptable to be in college for four years. I was very optimistic of the degree I had chosen. I genuinely thought that it would be really exciting and so different from all other jobs out there because computers and new technology were fascinating, growing at such an exponential rate and the idea of being a part of that was so appealing to me. Plus, I had this idea implanted in my consciousness that I would make a lot of money in this field.

The first two years of college seemed to fly by. I was taking the basic subjects for my degree and I was focusing on new college experiences and forming new relationships. I didn’t necessarily breeze through my subjects but I could keep up with my studies and my grades were okay. It wasn’t until third year that everything took a 180° turn and I became off kilter. Major, very important subjects became harder to grasp. The programming languages that I thought I was so good at threw me off guard; what I thought I knew back in high school computer class became irrelevant and I realized how difficult it was, that I merely scratch the surface of this monster. Programming, as it turned out, was a beast I was never familiar with.

I was floored. I was frantic. I was becoming conscious of the mistake of not being more careful with my decisions in the past and not letting myself be informed properly of what I was getting into. I was in the middle of my collegiate career and I knew that shifting courses was not an option. It would disappoint my parents and it would’ve meant that I wasted two years, not to mention changing degrees would cost more money. Also, that would mean more years stuck in college.

So I stuck by it and I tried to look at the bright side. Programming wasn’t the only thing that my degree had to offer; Information Technology presented many avenues of professions that I thought I could be interested in. I tried to focus on subjects like Networking and Database Management, which I liked enough but there wasn’t that spark and certainty that I felt when I was younger and dreaming about what I would become when I grew up.

I was frustrated. I didn’t know what to do. I blamed myself for not trying hard enough with my subjects. I blamed my professors for not being able to teach me well enough and get me engaged again in my degree. I blamed my naivety on the whole spectrum of college life.

On-the-job training just made me even more miserable. It made me realize how unsuited I was in this industry I was supposedly getting ready for. It was glaringly obvious to me that I would be in no way involved in Information Technology after I graduate. What was I to do then? I initially had no idea. I fretted so much and I was trying to figure out what to do next. But then the company I interned for actually presented an opportunity for me.

A supervising employee in the company mentioned that they needed a web writer and I thought maybe I could write or in this case web write for a living. I was shocked and excited because it would mean that work and something that I enjoy extremely would be one and the same.  Who wouldn’t want that?

Writing is something I have always loved doing. I did it well and often but really only for my leisure. Sure, I would share my work to other people, family and friends mostly and whoever would stumble upon my blog, but I never considered it as a career path and it seems ridiculous thinking back because I took immense joy in doing it. How I never thought of a career in writing is beyond me and I wished that I just realized things sooner so I could save myself from all the anxiety I went through my last couple years of college.

Graduation couldn’t come soon enough and three months out of college I was working for the company I interned for as a writer. It is not to say that I didn’t have any reservations. Writing for myself was one thing and not having a formal education in it gave me doubts in my capabilities. Yet I found myself actually learning new things as I was working and the fact that I enjoyed it made my outlook in things better. I was growing as a professional and as a person and more importantly I was finding my niche. I may not have gotten a degree in writing but I was gaining something more important: industry experience. I basically took my talent and turned into a worthwhile profession and I try to learn everyday because it will only further my career. I make sure that my experiences are profound and that I interact with people that can impart knowledge; it is important to know more and use that knowledge in the work that you do.

Am I earning less than I would have if I had gone the IT route? I can’t tell. But I will say that I would rather be happy and content with a job that pays less than be utterly miserable in a high-paying profession.

Is working as writer all that good? No. No job is without its downsides and it is more important that you deal with unsavory situations to the best of your abilities. I’m not going to lie and say that I have the best job in the world because there are some days I just want to turn in my resignation and be done with it all. But I love what I do and I owe it to myself not to give it so easily just because things can turn sour at any moment. 

Industry experience can trump formal college education. I’m not saying you should take out college as an option but I believe that it is not for everyone. In some careers, you learn more by actually doing the work than sitting in a classroom and listening to a lecture. Experience, I believe, is the better teacher. I have learned more working as a writer than I ever will in a classroom and maybe the same goes for other people in other careers. Sometimes education is not synonymous to learning.

I know that it is not an easy concept to grasp given Philippine society’s stand on education. In other countries, where you got your degree or if you have a degree is not necessarily important; in the Philippines, it is the top prerequisite for most jobs. But just because you graduate from a very prestigious school with top grades and amazing referrals does not mean that you are the best candidate for any job. Just the same, an individual could do what another can professionally only everything he knows is self-taught or learned beyond the walls of an educational institution.

So what’s next for me then?

After all that I’ve said about industry experience and education, it may sound like I am contradicting myself by saying that I plan to go back to school and get a Master’s degree. As much as I wished that it didn’t matter, the fact still remains that if I want to climb the success ladder, I need that piece of paper that tells everyone that I have completed another four years or so of education from a certified university. If want a Doctorate, I’ll repeat the same process. I remain optimistic. I’m better equipped to make the right decisions this time. I have to take care in deciding which Master’s I’m going to take and which university has the best program for it. Unlike what happened when I was an undergrad, this time I’ll do my research and not rush.

In this last bit I would say that everyone should give college a lot of thought. Take care in figuring out if it’s for you or not; the best way to do that is to actually give the old college a try. Before all that, consider what you love doing and see where it could take you professionally. Make well informed decisions through research and asking actual professionals from the fields you are interested in. It is also very important that you don’t let other people influence that decisions you make for your future, even if it is your parents. This is your future career we are talking about; YOURS not theirs.

College and career choices may kick your ass but you’ll be damned if you don’t get back up and find the right path for you. So don’t give up.

Pressure

Blogger's note: I wrote this weeks ago and just got around to posting it now. I've been so remiss in writing and posting. I will, however, make it up soon. I've a few writings done.

If I sniff the air, I get the smell of pressure brewing in the distance. Like a latent storm waiting to rain on your parade. It is this presence you are very much aware is charging towards you but because there is quite a distance between you and it, you put all your faculties into preparing yourself for its onslaught.

Pressure and I are old friends. I'm also well acquainted with its siblings Stress and Anxiety and I've had brushes with a cousin named Insanity. Over the years I've done battle against these ghastly forces and sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. The last skirmish left me wary of myself and what submitting to pressure can do to you.

Now is another battle to be won and frankly I'm a bit nervous. But I think that's good because I believe it will only add to my being cautious in how I will tackle what lies ahead.

Prioritization will be an ally. What is more important to get done? What can wait? Organized ranking will be crucial.

Take a step back and just breathe. Actually, take as much time as you need with this step back business; it is a sanity saver. Take a walk. Read a chapter from that book you've just started. Drink tea. Have something chocolate. Little things like this will help greatly.

Multi-tasking doesn't really help. I say tackle one task, accomplish it, then move on to the next (but, of course, take those step-back moments in between). In the wise words of Parks and Rec's Ron Swanson: "Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing."

Are these foolproof ways of dealing with Pressure and its terrible friends? Not completely and not all the time. But everyone addresses things their own way and these are mine. I hope by sharing them I can help you out in my own way.

So I ask: What do you do in the face of Pressure?

Toe-Stepping

I was once told to take care of stepping on other people's toes. It was reasoned to me that it is universally unappreciated and that its figurative form is most dangerous. Watch your step, they say. Better safe than sorry. It is akin to being in the path of a venomous snake and one wrong move could mean your life (or, as with the human species, it could also mean your reputation, dignity, money, family, friends, and whatever a person may hold dearly significant).

Like a snake that strikes to deliver poison, a person of a vindictive nature can cause damage if you unwittingly cross his path. Step on this person's toes and you just signed yourself up for disaster.

It won't even matter if circumstances made you unaware of your actions, all they see is that you have slighted them, and hell hath no fury like painful toes connected to a vengeful mind. Sometimes, no matter how much care you take walking the straight and toeless line, you will at some point deviate.

Precaution can be the way of course, but protection helps, too. Invest in a thicker armor. Fortify your mind and heart from fangs and barbs that will try to latch on to you. Be prepared to strike back when need be. You are nobody's punching bag. Watch your step, yes. Just make sure that they watch theirs as well.

Rage

Rage is an all-consuming thing. Once it settles into the roots of who you are, it will spread like a disease. Flowing through the network of your existence until you’re just another tally added to its victims.

Rage is lives on the festering parts of you. It amplifies your selfishness. It escalates your pride. You see nothing but the image it wants you to see; something culled from the deepest, darkest pit in your soul and given free reign of your entirety.

If you are consumed and you give it complete access to your being, rage becomes destructive. Nothing is spared. So take heed when you stand before its threshold. Because when what's done is done, there is not turning back.

How To

As much as possible, try not to feel sorry for yourself and what you've done. Whatever happens in your life, you have had a hand in how it unravels. Every decision, every choice you make has an effect in your story, so be prepared to deal with the consequences.

Acceptance is key. There are things you can fix, if you want. But some you can't rectify, unless you can turn back time and redo the past. The faster you acknowledge your actions and its end results, the faster you can figure out that there only one course of action.

What you do is deal with it. There is no manual with embossed letterings forming the words How To; it's up to you to author that book. You can't turn to other people to help you write it all out. Most of them are busy writing their own manuals. So what are you waiting for? Pull out a pen and some paper and get to writing (or, you know, type it all out in your computer).

Your Truth

Never let any moment be completely tied down to what the people around you do and say. You are living your life and the honesty that you must subscribe to, first and foremost, is the one you owe to yourself. The truth is that you should never allow yourself to be swept by the tide of another's life.

Sometimes things do not work out the way you thought it would; that is the time to change course, adjust your sails, and find another way. What's even better is the you create a new path, one that you should be unafraid to journey on.

In all this remember that you should care strongly for your truth. You are who you are not just by chance but because of the growth and experience you have gained through the years. Not everyone will accept your truth and some will try and falsify your records. What is important is that you know your truth and that is enough for it to live on. Never suppress who you are for the benefit of another's ignorance. You owe yourself that and more.

The Risk of Change

How do you know it is time to let people go? Is it ever the right thing to do? And how will it affect, well, everything? Admit it or not, these questions have popped up in our minds at some point and they are hard to answer; scary, even. It really is rooted on the theme of change, which is something that most of us are wary of. It is not something that everyone necessarily embraces at once and some like to take their time with change.

Change, however, is a sign of growing and of moving forward, at least in its positive sense.  Just the same, change has its downside. Things could change for the worst or, as we all would hope it would, be for the better. Fear or not, change is inevitable and it does us well to risk it because the chance of something better is worth it.

So risk letting people go, especially if it does not serve you to have them with you. In this life, it is instinct to thrive and be a better version of yourself every single day that you live and breathe and do. So why keep hold of the anchors whose purpose is to drown you? There is a vastness of people who can be catalysts for good in life and isn’t that so much better than tying yourself to burdens?

Letting go is as difficult for many as it is easy for some. But sometimes you have to let go of people because they are toxic. They warrant neither happiness nor growth for your being. At some point we have to say enough is enough and that they cannot keep taking and taking until we are but empty versions of ourselves.

Seek out the change that brings you more of the magnificent things in life. Are we not wired for that in the first place? It should be with all the greatness of our efforts that we strive for happiness in whatever form they may be to us but also keeping in mind that our happiness should not hinder another’s.

As you let people go, so should you welcome the company of others and surround yourself with those who do well for you and you can do well for. End a vicious cycle of toxicity and embrace a synergy of a happy, risk-worthy life.

I Never See It Coming

It's a feeling that can go two ways: it creeps up on you in slow, quiet paces or it tackles you to the ground with a resounding thud. Either way you never see it coming.

The thing is you can't really deal with it properly because you're in the wrong place and the wrong time. 

You wouldn't want to be inappropriate in front of other people now, would you?

Discretion is your way. But discreet solutions work only for a short amount of time or they don't work at all and you're just stuck wondering how the fuck you're going to deal with this predicament.

Going of somewhere to hide for a while won't do, mostly because there's nook or cranny that will serve the purpose. So you sit there, fighting the most tempting urge in your present and all you can think about is how good it would feel to be on your bed right now and sleep.

[For a second, I thought I was going to type masturbate.]

Keep It Together

Keep it together. Keep it calm. Keep it under control.

After that initial onslaught of emotion — be it joy, anger, love, or sorrow — rein it in and employ a more peaceful aura for it does not do well to dwell in too much stimulation.

Remember that there are many things afoot in your life and all of it will require your focus, undivided or otherwise. Some will require your immediate attention, some at the same time, and some are content to wait its turn. But you will give them your time, lest everything falls apart.

It pays never to allow anything to consume you completely. There is more beyond the clamoring grasps of passions light or dark.

Left Out

Sometimes you will feel left out.

You will ask yourself, "What did I do?" There are different answers to that posed question. You could've been ignorant to some faux pas previously done. You might've said something inappropriate, on purpose or otherwise. It might not be often but the switch to the colossal asshat part of your personality might've been turned to "on."

Or, and I can't say enough how common this is, you have done nothing wrong and the people around you are just wrapped up with themselves.

As people are different so are their lives. Varying days will be a jumble of things and people will deal with it their own way. In your eyes it may seem like they are ignoring you, but as "interesting" or as "funny" as your day may be going, people will always be focused on their end of the life spectrum.

So chin up. Attention is not all that it's cracked up to be. There is no guarantee that tomorrow will be any different yet carry on and don't take things personally.

Hearts and Bruises

She bruises easily.

Not her skin, mind you, but her heart. And how could it not be when she wears is so readily on her sleeve. It was like a beacon, attracting more sorrow than she can carry in her arms. It was a target so easy, one barely had to be a good shot to take aim at it.

Is it bravery or stupidity? Volley after volley fired and no shields are raised. Does she care so little of herself? Awaiting destruction by way of heartbreak seems to be the quest.

No.

She cares too much, exceedingly so that she feels not right when she shuts herself out. The heart is worn proudly because she doesn't know how to live any other way. She reasons that all the joy that comes her way and she seeks out are worth more than the darkness.

It is madness to others.

It is life to her.

Grief

Grief is never simple, is it? It is also never expected, even when you have resigned yourself to accepting the inevitable. No rational thought can combat the onslaught of sadness and pain rendered upon your heart and mind.

How does one cope with it?

How does one move on from it?

How do you console yourself with truth that cuts deeper than any blade man can wield on another's flesh?

Time, they say, will heal all wounds.But what if all time gives you is more despair?

Rise of the Guardians (A.K.A. The Best Animated Film I've Seen In A Long Time)

I first came across this movie as a gifset while I was Tumbling about. Though I wondered what animated film it came from, I was never curious enough to do the research.

I came across another gifset, this one focused on a particular character from the movie. I loved the gifset so much and was inspired to know more about the character to which I turned to Youtube for answers and there I found the trailer for The Rise of the Guardians. A Dreamworks Animation-produced and Peter Ramsey-directed film, this came out late last year in November and toted as a holiday flick for the kids.

I am completely flabbergasted at how this movie hadn't blipped my radar back then. It was totally right up my alley: amazing animation, fantasy-adventure genre, liberally sprinkled with comedy, and brilliant created characters.
The Rise of the Guardians brings together the mythical characters of Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, and Sandman as protectors of children, guarding the wonder, hope, memories, and dreams of every child all over the world. Enter Pitch Black, the Boogeyman, a character so resolute in engulfing the world with darkness and fear and erasing every child's belief in the Guardians. With that oncoming threat, winter spirit Jack Frost was chosen by the Man on the Moon as an unlikely candidate to join the band of Guardians and protect the children.

The Guardians: (L-R) Jack Frost, North, Tooth, Bunnymund, and Sandy.

Now, let's rave. 
I tremendously enjoyed the characters and how they were portrayed but I especially liked North (Santa Claus), Bunnymund (Easter Bunny), and Sandy (Sandman) in the film.
North is completely different from any other Santa Claus I'd ever come across in pop culture. From the Russian accent to the tattooed forearms, I just thought that this character was the most badass St. Nick in history. And despite the badassery, North possesses this child-like wonder that helps him see the amazing in everything and that's what he represents and protects as a guardian. Alec Baldwin lends his voice to North and I barely heard any semblance of Baldwin in his voice acting for this role which to me says a lot about the work that was put in for the character.

Bunnymund is not your typical Easter Bunny. Against all stereotypes, he is about 6 foot tall and instead of carrying a basket filled with Easter eggs, he has a boomerang and egg bombs as tools for his trade. Bunnymund is portrayed as such gruff and rugged character yet he creates these utterly wonderful and colorful Easter eggs that play their part in bringing joy and hope to children all over the world. I don't know with anybody else, but giving Bunnymund an Australian accent just fit so well with the character, though I did wonder if Hugh Jackman made the accent a bit more pronounced for the film.

I just adored Sandy. He is the cutest Sandman ever. Though Sandy had no lines in the film as he did not speak, it certainly didn't hinder the character in anyway. I thought it was just darling the way Sandy communicated through images he creates with sand. This character had the prettiest animation effects in the movie; it was so detailed but simple and just so perfect for the character.

Speaking of animation effects, this movie had the best that I had ever seen. The work on Sandy was impeccable but so was the animation in the rest of the film. As I've mentioned before, it was incredibly detailed and there were a lot of nuances that made the effects all the more better, like in how the ice fragments around Jack as he breaks through the frozen lake in the beginning of the movie, how the plumage of the Tooth Fairy changes color when she moves a certain way, the filigree-like details in the frost that Jack creates, and, of course, the golden sand Sandy uses to create dreams. The art in the movie is truly gorgeous to behold. The scenery was incredible especially in Bunnymund's warren with its rainbow vibrancy and North's workshop where these fantastic toys were created by yetis and elves. The creative team behind the film certainly put a lot of work and imagination to it and comes across in such beautifully rendered animation.

Jack creating frost on one of the trees he touched in the beginning of the movie.

As far as the story goes, I definitely related to Jack Frost's inner turmoil with trying to discover who he was and what his purpose on earth is. I think everyone of us is just trying to figure out who we are and, just like Jack, sometimes it takes looking into the past to really know ourselves and how it has shaped who we are now. Jack was chosen to be a Guardian because in his last moments as a human he saved his sister's life and he comes full circle in becoming a Guardian. 
With the film, I can honestly say that I have never watched anything like it. I thought the concept was truly original. Bringing together these creatures of myth and translating them to today's audience has never been done and it was such a fresh take on it. It was a superhero movie with a unique twist and though it is generally regarded as a movie for kid's this 22-year-old immensely enjoyed watching it. And I think that's the underlying theme of the film, keep the wonder in everything alive even as you transition into adulthood. Just because you're an adult, it doesn't mean that you have to stop believing and enjoying the things you did as a child.
Watch the movie and see for yourself. It's perfect for marathons during the holiday, or any day for the matter.

On the Struggle for Self-Control and Tact

www.someecards.com

No truer words have been disseminated on the internet than the ones above, at least in my case. I often struggle with biting my tongue in many situations daily and there are times that I wish I could just say what I want and damn the consequences. But I know that will never work in my favor; I'd be offending people by the dozens if I completely forgo the filter between my brain and my mouth. I do slip up sometimes. It could be because something was too funny not to share, then in the end I'll realize that most people do not have my warped and pervy sense of humor. Sometimes it is when I am really upset and holding it in is just impossible; that usually involves yelling and things flying from my hand towards my intended target.

I mostly struggle with people and their ignorance and narrow mindedness on things. Considering the conservative culture I was raised in, this happens often enough and it takes all my effort not to jump their throat, though the throat-jumping is usually prompted by insufferable people and insufferable ideas, opinions, and actions.

Can you imagine a world where everybody had no choice but to say what's on their mind? I surmise utter chaos. I also think nobody would be friends with each other. Man may well become an island. 

Whenever I'm thinking about opening my mouth to speak my mind, I always try to ask these there questions:

Should it be said?

Should it be said by you?

Should it be said now?

It makes sense really. Sometimes things should be left unsaid to avoid conflict. Sometimes you have no business talking about things. Sometimes its just not the time to say it. It always pays to subscribe to the trait of tactfulness, don't you think?

This has been a Wednesday post brought to you by The Purple Madhouse.

DISCLAIMER: No copyright infringement intended. I take no ownership of the image used in this blog post. Images found on the internet are considered for public use unless explicitly dictated otherwise.

Photo-of-Interest Monday: That One Time I Went to Church

I took this photo on a cold early morning in December of 2012. This is the Our Lady of Lourdes Parish Church adjacent to the convent that houses what are know as the Pink Sisters with their distinctly pink habits.

Like I said, it was early morning and before that my parents dragged me out of bed in an ungodly hour so we could attend the 6:30 AM mass. It was freezing but it wasn't a complete deterrent to go exploring. I was lucky enough to get this shot of the church before people started coming in numbers. The sun has yet to completely rise at the time so you can see the soon-to-be-up sun's glow behind the church.

I actually didn't want to attend mass and i figured the parents wouldn't mind so much considering I've frequently voiced the fact that I am not religion specific but they had their way and I sat with them. I wasn't really able to understand a thing that was said because the church had subpar speakers, like someone was layering a hint of static on the audio coming out.

Also, they had humongous mosquitos that can bite you through your jeans!

This has been a Monday post brought to you by The Purple Madhouse.

Flashback Friday: Love Me

Poetry, September 2005 — I'm thinking of renaming this series to Shameful Fridays, at least where my poetry is concerned. As predicted, it's another pathetic and sad poem from my teenage days. I really cannot stress the fact that I was going through some, err... issues back then and I've since learned my lesson. Expect 'unrequited love' to be the theme with this one. Are my dear and few readers even surprised?

Love Me

Show me how you really want me to be
And not just some lost fantasy
Know for me for what I do and show
And not for what pleasures I bestow

Treat me like a human
Like I am your only one
Look into my eyes and see the longing
And hear my heart calling

Realize we’re meant to be
That we are not just passion and bodies
Realize that we are one
Or so help me God I’ll come undone

There is more to us than what we have
And we’ve made it this far through the good and bad
Let’s make memories of love and care
I’ll love you forever if I dare

This has been a Friday post brought to you by The Purple Madhouse.