THE SPRITE SPEECH
By Gheraldine Taping
Esteemed ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you troubled but with
conviction. I stand before you to let it be known the atrocity that has
occurred in our company’s very walls. Though it may be hard to hear, I plead
that you steel your nerves and listen to every word I say, for I believe all of
you, my colleagues. have the right to know about that dark , cold afternoon.
On the 23rd of May, year 2012, between the hours of 4
o’clock and 5 o’clock in the afternoon, horror struck as I came to find the
prized can of Sprite gone and consumed. I stood in shock and disbelief. Who
would do such a thing? Whatever did the innocent can of Sprite ever do to
deserve such maltreatment? I became choked up, and I was saddened by such turn
of events. The culprit nowhere to be found and damning evidence at its wake.
Tell me, ladies and gentlemen, what kind of world do we live in when no
can of Sprite is safe? How can you justify such injustice? In all my years of
existence I have never heard of such a crime. Does not the can of Sprite
deserve the same rights offered to the other cans of sodas? Do they not reserve
the right to not be drunk when they are clearly not yours to drink? Do they not
deserve that right, my friends?
I have learned that life is fleeting and that I must drink my can of
Sprite while I still can, for any moment that joy can be robbed from you,
leaving you desolate and without purpose. No beautiful can of Sprite, nothing
to quench your thirst. Only the hurricane of crippling fear that it might
happen again.
No one is safe, my dear friends. So I bid you to withhold your cans of
Sprites from the reach of others and keep them safe, lest you regret every
decision you made in life.
BACKGROUND:
Simply put, somebody drank my friend's can of Sprite at work. This is my passive-aggresive response to what happened. Obviously, this is a satire. If you have any problem with it, you can take it up with my publicist. Good luck in finding her, she doesn't exist.
BONUS TRIVIA: The constant thought while I was writing this was, "I'm an asshole."
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